How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
