Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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