Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
