I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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