did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
