I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
