dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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