don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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