"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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