I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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