Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
