I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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