he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
