Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
