Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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