Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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