I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
When did angry sex become our thing?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
