I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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