I got chris browned last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
