remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
