8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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