I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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