You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she pinky promised me she was 18
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
