bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize