Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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