I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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