the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Randomize