My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
