I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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