My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
