Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
