take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I wish they made helmets for livers.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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