also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Small penises have feelings too.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
