Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
