So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
