Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
