After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize