just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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