if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
