Your face is a jimmy john
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
