I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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