from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
