you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
