just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
