Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
