i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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