Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
