it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
