I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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