i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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