Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
