Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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