sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
