I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
