I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
