just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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