You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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