Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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